Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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