Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
