I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
