i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
