when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Randomize
