Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
