my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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