If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
