he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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