No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
