we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
my poor anus
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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