Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
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