Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
