people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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