You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
