If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
