wrigley field is MILF paradise
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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