How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
