My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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