My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
