She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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