I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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