why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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