the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
