Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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