It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
