My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
