I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
