I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
