What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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