two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
