if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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