theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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