if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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