Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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