Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize