hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
