I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
