finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize