I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
