The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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