ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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