Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize