Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We have started to decorate penises.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
