I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
