Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Randomize
