Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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