Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
