two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
