i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize