Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
