hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
