Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
