Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
