I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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