after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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