im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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