It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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