just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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