So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize