You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She's the barista slut.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
