The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
