you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize