I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
