Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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