Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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