All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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