sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
