So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
