So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
it hurts more in the daytime
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
