Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
