I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
