I wish I only lived at night.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
